[Hidden-tech] :HUM: Little-Known Computer Languages

[Shel Horowitz]

(caution: extremely funny, if you know anything at all about 
programming--I laughed out load all the way through--Shel)

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Date: Tue, 15 Jan 2008 14:35:03 -0500
From: Paul Sheridan <sheridanpa at earthlink.net>
Subject: HUM: Little-Known Computer Languages
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Little-Known Computer Languages


BASIC, Fortran, Cobol -- These programming languages are well known 
and (more or less) well loved throughout the computer industry. There 
are numerous other languages, however, that are less well known that 
still have ardent devotees. In fact, these little-known languages 
generally have the most fanatic admirers. For those who wish to know 
more about these obscure languages and why they are obscure I present 
the following catalog.

SIMPLE
SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming 
Linguistic Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover 
College for Technical Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to 
write code with errors in it. The statements are, therefore confined 
to BEGIN, END, and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, 
you can't make a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing 
useful. Thus they achieve the results of programs written in other 
languages without the tedious, frustrating process of testing and 
debugging.

SLOBOL
SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler. 
Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they 
compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to take a trip to Bolivia to pick 
up the coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of 
boredom sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program 
to compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but 
infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.

VALGOL
 From its modest beginnings in southern California's San Fernando 
Valley, VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the 
industry. VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL, and Y$KNOW. 
Variables are assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY operators. Other 
operators include the "CALIFORNIA BOOLEANS" -- FERSURE and NOWAY. 
Repetions of code are handle in FOR-SURE loops. Here is a sample 
VALGOL program:
14 LIKE, Y$KNOW (I MEAN) START
%% IF
PI A =LIKE BITCHEN AND
01 B =LIKE TUBULAR AND
9C =LIKE GRODY^MAX
4K (FERSURE)^2
18 THEN
4I FOR I= LIKE 1 TO OH MAYBE 100
86 DO WAH + (DITTY^2)
9 BARF(I) =TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
-17 SURE
1F LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM
? REALLY
$$ LIKE TOTALLY (Y$KNOW)
VALGOL is characterized by its unfriendly error messages. For 
example, when the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays 
the message GAG ME WITH A SPOON.

LAIDBACK
Historically, VALGOL is a derivative of LAIDBACK, which was developed 
at the (now defunct) Marin County Center for T'ai Chi, Mellowness and 
Computer Programming as an alternative to the more intense atmosphere 
in nearby Silicon Valley. The center was ideal for programmmers who 
liked to soak in hot tubs while they worked. Unfortunately, few 
programmers could survive there for long, since the center outlawed 
pizza and RC Cola in favor of bean curd and Perrier. Many mourn the 
demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle and 
nonthreatening language. For Example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax 
errors with the message, SORRY MAN, I CAN'T DEAL WITH THAT.

SARTRE
Named after the late existenitial philosopher. SARTRE is an extremely 
unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they 
just are there. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own 
functions. SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed and are 
no fun at parties.

FIFTH
FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types 
refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and 
JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM, and 
BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, 
CABERBET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH and WHATEVERSAROUND. The many 
versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and 
financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include 
VSOP and LAFITTE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH 
and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers 
who end up using the language.

C-
This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he 
submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- 
is best described as a "Low-Level" programming language. In fact, the 
language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code 
statements to execute a given task. In this respect, it is very 
similar to COBOL.

LITHP
This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence 
of an "s" in its character set. Programmers and users must substitute 
"TH". LITHP is said to be utheful in proceththing littth.

DOGO
Developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training, DOGO 
heralds a new era of computer-literates. DOGO commands include SIT, 
STAY, HEEL and ROLL OVER. An innovative feature of DOGO is "PUPPY 
GRAPHICS", in which a small cocker spaniel occasionally leaves a 
deposit as he travels across the screen.

C+-
Pronounced "C more or less", unlike C++, C+- is a subject oriented 
language. Each C+- class instance, known as a subject, holds hidden 
members, known as prejudices or undeclared preferences, which are 
impervious preferences, which are impervious to outside messages, as 
well as public members known as boasts or claims. The following C 
operators are overridden as shown:
>  better than
< worse than
>>  much better than
<< forget it
! not on your life
== comparable, other things being equal.
C+- is a strongly typed language based on stereotyping and 
self-righteous logic. The Boolean variables TRUE and FALSE (known as 
constants in less realistic languages) are supplemented with CREDIBLE 
and DUBIOUS, which are fuzzier than Zadeh's traditional fuzzy 
categories. All Booleans can be declared with the modifiers strong 
and weak. Weak implication is said to "preserve deniability" and was 
added at the request of the D.O.D. to ensure compatability with 
future versions of Ada. Well-formed falsehoods (WFFs) are 
assignment-compatible with all Booleans. What-if and why-not 
interactions are aided by the special conditional evenifnot X then Y.

C+- supports information hiding and, among friend classes only, rumor 
sharing. Borrowing from the Eiffel lexicon, non-friend classes can be 
killed by arranging contracts. Note that friendships are 
intransitive, volatile, and non-Abelian.

-- 
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